NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
