when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
