you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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