If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I checked into jail on foursquare
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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