Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
