What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
