The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my being single is dangerous.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Randomize
