Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Less talking, more tequila
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
