If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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