Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
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While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
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Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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