It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I supernannyed him into submission
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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