I just pynch a tree in the face
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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