Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
the condom got lost in my hair
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
