I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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