summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
