Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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