every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
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