Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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