dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
