I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
