the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We have so much sex to catch up on
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize