My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
