I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
