i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize