fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
