the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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