I wanna passion pit in your ass
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
