I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
