someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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