we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
