So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
