I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
