In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
