I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
