booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
