My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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