I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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