True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You did what with his pubic hair?
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