you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
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