The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
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She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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