I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
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I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
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I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B