I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?