I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us