I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
