mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i dont even know how to be here
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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