You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
