i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
