filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
