I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
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