Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
