This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
