ya dads aren't the best wingmen
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
