can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
