Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
