Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
